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Old 04-13-2006, 04:44 PM   #2
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You don't need to use big words to writing interesting or complex poems; you just need to combine the words you know in interesting ways. Sometimes you do have to do a little thinking, and searching, for the right word. They won't all be simple, but they will be understandable. For instance:
Originally Posted by Onion, from Xenith
on the night i discovered
the distance to the moon is measured
in bedlengths
i swallowed whole
the telescope gulps
of the light which rises
like steam from your
You know all those words -- but how they are combined is different, almost peculiar, and very compelling.

I liked the idea behind this, but more imagary would be good. Instead of just saying something about the connection, why not try to show it? You could describe how you connect with the fish's knowledge of water tumbling over stones, or waves, because of the tumbling you know. Or, whatever comes to mind.
And, I spotted this:
We can sea through

didn't know if it was intentional or not, but I like the wordplay. you could SRSLY do something cool with that.

Some advice: don't stick commas at the end of a line just because.
Other than that, I liked the consistant use of punctuation [grammer = <3] And I really hope to see more from you. Welcome to TeenLit.
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