Hmmmmmmmmmm.... its okay... needs work... I started to loose interest when you said: This story is about...
Personally, I feel like one of those mean, old teachers that assign children an assignment, and the kids don't wanna do it, then you fore them to and getting it written is like pulling teeth, and then when it's done... its like toast...
(LOL you gotta love the metaphores!!)
but yea, definately relax, put more detail in it, you can do it! I believe in you!
AND WHERE IS MY APPLE? I'll GIVE YOU A DETENTION IF YOU DON'T GET ME ONE ASAP!!!
lol just playing (jp)