[Isis]

A decent start on writing poetry, but just a start: there is a lot more that you can do.

Think of creating a more concrete image, and bringing out other ideas. Here you have thid nebulous idea, like some kind of dreamy riddle: you can use your lines not only to describe mistily like this, but to tell a story, to make a point, to introduce a character, and to convey emotion.

You could try something longer, or more definate, or both.