Thread: Green Tea
View Single Post
Old 12-12-2005, 08:19 PM   #2
TeenLit Regular
Unwilling's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67

Hm, I must say that this story is rather interesting to me. It just simply stands out in the sense that I haven't even heard of this before. But, you know, I really found those parentheses kind of destracting, but that may be just my problem. You know, I think you could expand the story, I mean, the voice in that mannequin is extremely bitter.

I hate to improve the implied but, uh:

Well, I was born a mannequin.

which makes sence, I suppose, but then you said this in the nex paragraph:

Technically, I was born a small, deformed child.

Well, the voice goes from mention this person "technically" - the deformed child without the limbs, but then all of a sudden, the child that had been burned in that experiment had then been referred to as Minun for the rest of the story -- which I had noticed.

Everything seemed trite and trivial

The way you used it in the story really bugged me out. I wasn't sure what you were saying when I had read it in the sentence it was in. Hm, like I said, pretty good - but I get the feeling something's missing altogether. Perhaps, that admiration of the (possibly) so-called "oblivious" days when the mannequin wasn't aware of what was going on. I'm not really sure, I'm just giving you an idea if you ever want to go improve on it. (Which is something we all can do.) It amused me.

Anyway, welcome to Teenlit. I would go to the introductions thread or something to show myself to the other members.
Unwilling is offline   Reply With Quote