|I tried my hardest to correct this (and I also chose to space this out to make it look clean for the internet).
Now for the story itself, I'm afraid that it is a bit weak. I mean, Derek is a bit of a weird protagonist. Just the way setences were written, you wrote a story, but didn't describe it. I see potential, and since you're new to English, that may actually explain a lot.
I might actually reccomend you try to write in your native language. While not helping you remember English, it may actual lead to a better story, so when you're really good at English, you can translate it into English. I think you could've done a better job describing, but I do see effort in your work and I honestly mean that.
Better luck next time.
But, next time, if you plan to write English, it's a turn-off for people to see the same word constantly, which is why you're handicapped in writing English. Like I said, I really think you should try native language or something (which would mean that you would have to join a site that speaks the same language as you)
First of all thanks for checking
if it is turn-off for u to read my stories, just dont read them. Now u know how bad I am at it, and u know my nickname too, so just ignore my posts
when everybody ask me to leave, I will, but even if they do, I'll keep on trying to write in English, because, as I say, I wanna improve it (If u are learning any different language, u may know why I say that and u may know too why translating is not the key, and if u don't .. no comments)
and thanks for the advice, but I DO write in my native already