Thread: anyone helps?
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Old 12-09-2005, 12:56 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67

There he was, in the middle of a big crowd. He did not know what all those people were waiting for, but he stood there as if he was one of them. Of course, he wasn’t. He was wandering down the street when a mass of people came his way. He thought it could be a good idea to follow people for the first time in his life, so he did. It was not a good idea. Unfortunately, it was not until it was too late that he got to that conclusion.

The crowd started to scream. They were insulting someone, perhaps a politician. Derek did not scream, nor did he even attempt movement. He didn't like criticizing people: he had been bullied at school for years; he had enough critics in his life. People around him didn't think the same as him (They’re thinking as a group; so they’re thinking the same – but different from Derek) . They kept on screaming. Then, Derek realized he was in a demonstration. 'Good,' he thought, 'people must fight for their rights.' Obviously, Derek did not know that those people were not fighting for their rights but against democracy. He never knew what was going on in the world. He had always thought that mass media bred ignorance, which was the reason why he didn't watch television, nor he read any newspaper. [s]As a matter of a fact[/s], it was as if he didn't live on the Earth at all.

All of a sudden someone said out loud: 'COPS!!!’ Everybody ran and the once peaceful demonstration was soon chaotic. 'Cops? What’s wrong with cops?' Derek was confused. 'Police officers won't do us any harm,' it was like Derek to think that way. He did not move. He just watched the mess around him. He also watched stones crossing the sky in the direction of the police vans.

“What the hell are you doing here!?” a police officer was talking to him.

“Nothing, just hanging.” (Alex) Derek did not understand the tone of voice the police officer was using on him.

“NOTHING!? How do you there to say nothing? Asshole! Don’t pretend you weren't throwing stones, damn it! You fucking anarchist are going to regret taking part in this illegal march!”

“But I...” Derek couldn’t finish the sentence. The police officer beat him with his stick. The situation reminded Derek of his bully and the beatings he had got at school. He felt as he used to feel years ago: defenseless, misunderstood, lonely. The police officer was upset because of the problems the protestors had caused, and he paid his fury on the innocent Derek.

Next day, when Derek woke up, he was laying on a hospital bed. What had happened? It didn't take too many seconds to remember: a police officer had beaten him and left him unconscious on the street. Again, Derek was proven right: there was something wrong with society, there was something wrong with humankind. 'It is our nature, he thought bitterly, 'it can’t be helped, we are evil.'

Derek left the hospital that day. He didn’t report the police officer. He returned to his normal life and hoped there was a place where people lived in peace.


I tried my hardest to correct this (and I also chose to space this out to make it look clean for the internet).

Now for the story itself, I'm afraid that it is a bit weak. I mean, Derek is a bit of a weird protagonist. Just the way setences were written, you wrote a story, but didn't describe it. I see potential, and since you're new to English, that may actually explain a lot.

I might actually reccomend you try to write in your native language. While not helping you remember English, it may actual lead to a better story, so when you're really good at English, you can translate it into English. I think you could've done a better job describing, but I do see effort in your work and I honestly mean that.

Better luck next time.

But, next time, if you plan to write English, it's a turn-off for people to see the same word constantly, which is why you're handicapped in writing English. Like I said, I really think you should try native language or something (which would mean that you would have to join a site that speaks the same language as you).
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