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Old 12-09-2005, 12:25 PM   #13
Isis
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First off, this would be a lot easier to read if you separated between paragraphs. Indents don't work on this board; you can simply put a space between each paragraph before you post. Where you would normally have one space in something that was indented [to show a scene change, or passage of time, or something] put two or three spaces.

I liked the scene with young Alex and his teacher. If you want to show his character [smart, sarcastic, "rebellious"] more of that would be a good thing.
Quote:
Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like two peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a rebel who would never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had two thing in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school and they had no friends.ager.
Here, show a scene with Mark and Alex in it. Also remember that in a snooty prep school, kids are smart and kids are competing. Maybe Alex would have been accepted if he wasn't so sarcastic or brutally honest or whatever...so show the scene in which he screws over his own social prospects. There's the basis behind your exposition. [I'm also guessing that, as there will be elves and adventure, the more mundane aspects of school/life/parents will be soon forgotten]

Quote:
“I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.”
I'm writing this critique as I go. I think that this is some blatant forshadowing for something, though I don't know what yet. I think it would be more realistic if he said something like "I dunno. I just felt awake. Maybe I'm adventurous today.", and he shrugged.

With the scene in the rotting school, I think you should describe a little more about what it felt like to be in there. It's old, it's forbidden. In places like this, there is an air of something different - that time passes differently, that there's a sort of speed or suspension that you don't get in normal life. I also think that he should walk a little further into the school before finding the orb. It seems to convienient; we'd also get a little more about the old wing. Maybe he notices some other slightly strange things...that later will point to the reason why the old building was abandoned, but left intact.

The second chapter is interesting.

As for editing; I'd say to not worry about it until you were done with at least 5 chapters. DEFINATELY edit, but if you're in a good forward steam as far as getting your story down? go with that. Get down your beginning and part of your middle, and then you can revise that draft as you go forward with the meat of your story.
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