Thread: Oblivion
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Old 12-03-2005, 11:06 AM   #5
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You have to use paragraphs. You just do. It's easy. Hit the return button twice -- there you have a paragraph, and if you can type then you can include them. If you write in a block of text because it makes sense to you that way, then for gods sakes paragraph it before you give it to anyone else to read!

I even printed this to try to read it. I didn't get very far. I can't tell who is talking in your conversations. You can't just cram all your dialouge together. Start a new line every time a new person speaks. If it looks empty like that , well....there's you clue that it is empty. you can add information in between the words. What is your character thinking? What does he notice? Is he interested in what the other person is saying or does he want to run away?

Also, that first part of the "present day" story started off confusingly. It was like you had a few paragraphs before that about the Eagle kid in the woods, but you deleted them and now we have no clue what the heck is going on. Saying, "Then a Bear..." implies that something happened before the "then".

And don't switch tenses. I see it all over the place. PAST TENSE. Stay in PAST TENSE.
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