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Old 10-19-2005, 03:47 PM   #2
Vennila X Vana
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Whoa, is that about like being in the car with your girlfriend's mother? It is dark, deep and there are some lines that make me go, oh you tease! and other that make me want to turn you down without a second thought Saturday night.

First of all:
shotgun is always wonderful
i get to view the world, but like
without the responsibility
Psychologically speaking there
are multiple opportunities

This. Blech. I know you can do better because other lines are soooo goood. Are you talking to me here? We're not on the phone, this is a poem. I'm not saying poems have to be like proper or anything, this just sounds like a conversation. And there is no punctuation. Not cool. Also, what's with the use of the word like there?

My eyes replace capsules of
the foliage with the vacuous
deeds of people without control
(The sun seems so foreign, like
one of those guilt trips)

"My eyes replace capules of foliage." I like, I like tres much, but "the vacuous deeds of people without control?" Empty, void, deeds? Why would people without control do that? What's an empty "deed" anyway. I know vacuous can mean stupid or I think using it is really more deterimental to the poem. Also you used it more than once, for a poor word choice. What guilt trips? I can't see any relation between the sun and guilt trips or vacuous deeds. Again, punctuation would really make this poem work better.

your eyes aren’t here
but i want to see them, after all
i might see something like your daughter
fine, keep driving then

the brain prohibits me from
doing vacuous deeds, but
solitude retards anyone down, like
that moment i had alone

with your daughter

Capitalize that I. Punctuation! Really!! This part, is nice! I adore it, the imagery. But it really just all runs together and is distorting your message. Punctuate it, and vacuous deeds? I'm not sure I like that. Or I don't know if it's just me, but I can't relate to solitude retarding anyone.

The rest of the poem, I really love, can relate to and it just ooh, you're good! But really add some punctuation, define the flow or else the reader will try to and your message won't get across. I really love it, there are only a few minor mistakes really.

It's not a bad poem at all, I get the image of a boy sitting in the car being driven home by his girlfriend's mother who is a mean cold hating machine. He's sitting away from her and just being retrospective. Sounds like my life.
Your Bunny
[It's the cure to getting older]

Last edited by Vennila X Vana : 10-19-2005 at 03:51 PM.
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