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-   -   I'm new...be easy... (https://teenlit.com/forums/showthread.php?t=568)

Marina 04-13-2006 02:39 PM

I'm new...be easy...
I'm new on these forums I'm happy to have found these fourms because I love writing. Please be easy on me. I don't take critizam very well. I'm very sensitive but I want to imporve on my writing. I don't believe in using big words because when I think of my audience I think of teens and kids, I don't want people to have to look up big words in the dictionary. So here I go...

Fish Connection

When I look into a fish’s eyes,
I feel some sort of connection,
As though we’ve met before,
Maybe even before I was born.

When I look into a fish’s eyes,
I feel as though I can see its heart.
Some how,
I feel as though,
I can share all my secrets with the fish,
Because it has feelings just like me.

I know all the fish’s feelings,
All they want to do is hide away,
But if you are friendly with the fish,
They will stay.

I’m like a fish,
I want to hide when people are around,
The fish and me have a special connection,
We connect not with voice,
But with expression.
We can sea through to each other’s hearts.

I hope you like it...

Isis 04-13-2006 04:44 PM

You don't need to use big words to writing interesting or complex poems; you just need to combine the words you know in interesting ways. Sometimes you do have to do a little thinking, and searching, for the right word. They won't all be simple, but they will be understandable. For instance:

Originally Posted by Onion, from Xenith
on the night i discovered
the distance to the moon is measured
in bedlengths
i swallowed whole
the telescope gulps
of the light which rises
like steam from your

You know all those words -- but how they are combined is different, almost peculiar, and very compelling.

I liked the idea behind this, but more imagary would be good. Instead of just saying something about the connection, why not try to show it? You could describe how you connect with the fish's knowledge of water tumbling over stones, or waves, because of the tumbling you know. Or, whatever comes to mind.
And, I spotted this:

We can sea through

didn't know if it was intentional or not, but I like the wordplay. you could SRSLY do something cool with that.

Some advice: don't stick commas at the end of a line just because.
Other than that, I liked the consistant use of punctuation [grammer = <3] And I really hope to see more from you. Welcome to TeenLit.

~swissmochafudge~ 04-13-2006 05:16 PM

Welcome! I can tell you'll be a grea addition to teenlit. I liked how your wrote the poem, listen to Isis about the use of words thing..she knows what she's doing! Haha. Anyway, the poem was intersting. I like the idea. Maybe grow on it some more...like, say that you caught it on a hook and feel so bad because you looked into its eyes, and say WHY you feel this connection..or such. Make it more plotful. Keep it up!

girlonfire 04-16-2006 01:15 PM

i agree with isis, (for the first time,the whole combining word thing) its fun, but sometimes you can go over board and the words don't fit together...
anyway, i liked the idea for your poem, you have promise, but i'm not sure about the line, 'when i look into a fish's eyes', but then it depends how i read it...anyway, good luck, i'll c u around!

Mystical Luna 05-12-2006 07:16 AM

I like it, keep writing.

JustStella 05-17-2006 01:20 PM

not bad! i really do like it, and dont worry too much about being new here. everybody fits in just right.

xXxTigerEyesxXx 06-01-2006 01:41 PM

Fish? Interesting topic.

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