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Re: can anyone help edit this?Must_be_at_least_13_years_old: am CommentsThis poem was pretty good, but it could be very good. My advice; see if letting this out via free verse (no rhyme scheme) works. Some poetry goes well in rhyme, but this seemed confined by it. Other than that, there were a lot of excess lines that really didn't need to be in there, and in a few places it sounded as if you were attempting to explain yourself to the readers, making excuses. Try cutting out any lines that don't particularly hold a strong meaning, because to have a great poem every line must be placed and phrased right. I liked the title. "You know that place where we are young?" Gorgeous. "They said that my friend Art was dead He took a bullet in the head." I know this subject well enough to understand the pain that you must be going through, and I'm very sorry. But it's too plain and uninteresting to make good poetry. "I only want to say good-bye." A beautiful, melancholy ending...usually this would strike me as cliche but not this time. You can keep the emotion running high in your poem without sacrificing the truth to it. Keep it interesting, because I'm sure you've got the emotional drive to do so. Remember that, if you capture your pain in words, it is more likely that someone will relate to what you're saying, and find some truth in it. You might even save someone's life.
Last changed: March 22, 2001 |
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