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Must_be_at_least_13_years_old: am
From: Carmen T
Category: Feedback to writing published on TeenLit.com
Date: 24 May 2000


I really liked your poem... have you published anything else on teenlit? This poem has got real power behind it, real meaning and real body... it's the poetic equivalent of thick 'n' chunky soup. Most poems are frilly and superfluous... this one gets to the point without being boring, unimaginative, or idiotic.


I really feel the rhyme scheme restricted this poem. The rhymes seem to be forced and I think you could move around a lot more with this. If you did, it would be a pretty astounding piece. My suggestion is to try re-writing it free verse (no rhyme) and see where it takes you. You've already got the body of the poem and you know the purpose behind it, and there's no substantial advice I can give you.

On a more positive note, I liked how you opened with that one, simple first line. "let it all sink in" which, fittingly enough, takes a moment to sink in. "Life-supporting fence," "feeling commence to evaporate," "prepare the old for final escape." All great lines. Your problem (as small a problem as it is) is that you force the subsequent lines into rhyme scheme.

It's like trying to fit Aunt Bertha into a size-two vinyl jumpsuit after she's just polished off that 16th burrito. And you don't want your poem to look like that.

Last changed: March 22, 2001

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